the good news.

it was once said by a very wise beyond her age young lady, that

"Everyone has inside him a piece of the good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!"
-Anne Frank.

One of the most important tasks we have here on this beautiful planet we live on is to see that good news in ourselves and in others. Seems pretty simple, right? Well, that is where I have found a discrepancy. All too many of us, myself included, have something keeping us from fully reaching this. Whether that be the walls we put up to keep others from seeing those qualities we don't like about ourselves. It could be the selfish pride that causes us to make comparisons of ourselves and others, not fully giving the other credit for how wonderful they are. We are too focused on how unfair it is that someone is seemingly greater than us. More pretty, more intelligent, more carefree, more loving, more funny, more talented. more. more. more. It is in the judgment that we make in a blink of an eye to those we don't know, just met, or have known for years. We are caught in this web of chaos when we choose to live life this way. We wake up every morning feeling already behind on a fresh new day. We are never fully measuring up in our minds eye, and it wears us down.

The good part about this discrepancy is that it is something we can change if we so desire. We can reframe reality. We choose what we look at, listen to, and respond to. Of course, we are human, negative things happen in our lives and to our world, and we need to build compassion from it. But we are not bound to the negative things in this world, they do not need to deter our happiness one notch. We can focus our sights on the positives of life. We can simply appreciate the good we see in others. Remove those gray cloud feelings of comparison and replace them with compliments, kind words and a healthy desire to be a little better. Taking the back roads in life and using the effort it once took to feel behind and use that effort to get ahead, not of another, but of our past self. To strive confidently towards our potential.

The French novelist, Colette summed up this choice when she said, "What a wonderful life I've had. I only wish I'd realized it sooner." We are the sole inheritors of life's generosity. We are constantly surrounded by the altruism of Mother Earth and the myriad blessings present in hard work and relationships. People are unique creatures, that have abilities to learn from past mistakes, to grow, to look outside themselves, to choose what they want in life, be motivated, and they have the ability to achieve whatever they set their minds to.

Only through feeding our authenticity will we be able to fully dramatize our good news, our potential, our gifts to the world.

let me say that again, in case you read that fast. ONLY through being authentic, not trying to be anybody else than who we ARE, can we fully REVEAL our good news, our POTENTIAL, give our GIFTS to the world, and SHARE them with others. 

So, all this has led me to the following good news and decision that I would like to share. I am going to start a new way of blogging on this blog. Well hold your horses fans from all over the globe (a girl can dream right), I don't know how long it will last, or if it will spark the desire that i yearn for it to spark. So, I may return to my old ways of ramblings in just a few short days. But for now I have found a way for me to feed my authenticity and I am going to seize the opportunity and take it for all it's worth.

i'm going to let go of the things holding me back and let my dreams fuel my true potential.

Cheers to living,

life is wonderful.

unjust? or a bigger lesson to be learned?...

he pinned his blue ribbon medal on his chest and it drooped there, too heavy to be supported by a light cotton tee. i should've left then, it would have been better for the both of us at this point if i wasn't even his friend. the happiness he felt caused him to sit as high as he could stretch in his chair. he would crank his neck upward and his hands curled in towards his chest as he described to me so many times the projects he researched that would be there this year, one being on motivation. (his specialty) he saw this as an easy target, and was eager to 'rip it apart when we got to Provo' (in his words) 'to see if this kid really knew what he was talking about'. it was 9:30 a.m. we were planning to be on our way to Provo by now, but the keys to his van were no where to be found. he invited me into his room and he checked the places he could reach while asking me to check the places he couldn't. we were searching and double searching every inch of the apartment. the keys were no where to be found, and the excitement that caused him to sit straight in his chair was slowly leaving. the boy with the blue ribbon was starting to droop like the pin on his chest. we said an audible prayer together, not knowing where else to search. nothing. 10:00, 10:30, 11:05, 11:37. nothing. it was then, that i saw his bed. or perhaps the better word would be NOTICED his bed. for i saw it before, but i didn't notice why it looked so strange. he doesn't sleep on a mattress, but the floor. i'm assuming this is for ease to get into and out of his wheelchair, however no one should have to sleep this way day after day. this realization only lit a deeper determination to make this work, to get him down to provo at any cost. however all my efforts seemed to be worthless. there was only one option left, we could drive my car. with the science fair ending at 3:00pm, and the travel time taking at least 2 hours, my heart was breaking but i wanted to try. i walked the mile or so home to get my car. trying to figure out in my mind how i could make this work. i wanted nothing more but to take him, but knew if we took my car, we would have to use his other wheel chair (the non-motorized one) and we would have to forget about having the ramp and ease of getting him into the car. i would have to lift him into and out of the car. i knew i was not strong enough for that. and that is when i couldn't help but feel selfish, why was i given two legs and a healthy body, while he couldn't simply ride in another car if he couldn't find his keys. the walk was good for me. i called my mom and hoped she would have a solution other than the one i felt was haunting up behind me. i didn't want to have to leave him here. especially not like this. i refused to let myself think of it. but, as i got to my car and drove back to his house, i knew it was the only option. i hate myself for doing this, but i called him up. i was sitting outside of his house, but i couldn't bring my feet to walk in. i couldn't see him with the bad news. i knew it would be the one trigger needed to send my already miserable state to a hiatus of tears and bits of rage of the unjustness i felt for him. so, i took the easy way out. i called him and told him over the phone that i would not be able to take him down this weekend. he said with an almost convincing assurance that it was okay, and that he understands. but then, i added that i wish i could, that i wanted so badly for him to come. he said he knew i did, and that he will talk to me later. his voice cracked on the later and i couldn't stop the tears. 

- - -

conference was everything i needed. although, i feel as if it was selfish of me. i didn't prepare as well as i should, however, i am looking forward to rereading and studying each of the talks this year. many touched  i felt on special people, like Jacob. How wonderful and what a tender mercy for me. i needed the sweet assurance that God knows what Jake is going through now more than ever. It is not a mistake that Jake was born this way, but the best way for God to teach Jake. Or maybe, or rather more likely, the best way that God could teach us through selfless beings like Jake. i couldn't agree more with the statement given by Elder Russell M. Nelson in the Sunday Morning session, "a perfect body is not needed to achieve one's divine destiny, in fact some of the sweetest spirits are housed in frail or imperfect bodies. Great spiritual strength is often developed by people with physical challenges precisely because they are so challenged..."Jake is truly showing me how to achieve one's divine destiny one day at a time. i look up to him in so many ways, and am continually amazed at how big of a role he is playing in my life. i didn't know the day i met him looking for that elevator how much i truly needed him in my life. i don't think i will fully understand his role until much later in life, but as for now, i am grateful the small ways that i can see how he is changing me. 

because i'm convinced i have insomnia...

as of late i haven't been able to sleep.
it seems like every night for the past 8 or so days i have either woken up at 3 in the morning or stayed up til 3 in the morning.
lying awake for hours.
isn't much of a good thing when you have 7:30 am class.

occasionally i get out of bed and find some oreos and milk.
most of the time i just lay there and let my mind wander.
(which only makes it that much harder for me to fall asleep)

usually it is almost painful for me to lie awake due to my dark and twisty's that over take my thoughts.

what are your dark and twisty's?

those thoughts that you can't quite seem to shake.

for me, they lie in impossible situations that i have to work out in my mind.
i'm convinced i've solved world hunger at least four times....

other times my dark and twisty's are due to me feeling hopeless.
sometimes they are the thoughts trapped in my mind that worry about the future, or the past.

on occasion they take the shape of my excitement for some future event..
whether that be the next day, or another life.

they also come in the flavor of worrying for other people.
whether i know them or not.

it makes me want to meet every single person on this earth, and see what they worry about.
what makes them tick? how i can lessen their load? what thoughts consume their brains in the middle of the night?

well, tonights thoughts go to my own mother.
i truly have wonderful parents who i'm so grateful have shaped me to become who i am today.
i blame my worrying genes on my father. (but unlike him, i worry when it's needed AND i worry when it's not)
i blame my fix the world genes on my mother.
together= my mentality of the world is broken and it's my fault/i need to fix it.

just laying in bed a little after 2 a.m. and i can't get the image of this little story about my mom out of my head. it just keeps replaying itself over and over. thus making it my tonight's dark and twisty's.



china was very different than i expected. there is pretty much two classes of people there.
the rich.
and the poor.
not much in between.

we saw a lot of people struggling, but there was one lady in particular on a street corner in Xian.
she was begging for change, and we moved past her like we did many others.
sadly i didn't think much of her.

we got around the corner, when my mom stopped.
she said she needed to go give that woman some money.
how she couldn't imagine her own mother having to be out on the streets like that.
she asked my brother and little sister and i what we had in our pockets.
we pulled out the small change we had and we headed back with my mom.
i'm thankful that my mom's dark and twisty's make her worry about others.
there was no denying her feelings, my mom knew we needed to walk back to this lady.
i'm so glad we did.
i'm even more glad to have such an amazing example of love and service in my life.

photo credits are given to my awesome brother.

maybe now that i got this written down i will finally be able to get some shut eye.
here's to hoping.

dormant.

Cyclorana Alboguttata is a species of burrowing mud frogs. This special type of frog goes through a torpor stage whenever resources are scarce. they burrow deep into the earth's surface and sleep in the mud for months or years without food or water. a few years ago a team of scientists at the university of Queensland did some research on these frogs and found that the metabolism of these frogs' cells change radically during their dormancy period allowing maximized use of limited energy resources without ever running on empty. (fascinating)

at odd times of my life i feel as though i have been one of these frogs. my heart lodges itself deeper and deeper into my chest to where i can barely feel it beat. It's in survival mode. it only beats to keep me alive. and even that it questions. my brain on the other hand works the opposite end of the spectrum. it runs around and around--too scared that if it stops at anytime it will shut down too. it runs to feel alive, to feel like it has a purpose. it's scared that it will end up just like the rest of me: useless and broken. the times i have painfully seen this the most apparent in my life is with dating. i bury myself deep within myself, not wanting to let the real me be shown during my own torpor stages.

the last two real relationships that i thought would never end, ended almost the same way. with another girl, and a simple excuse that i have dreams too big for my own good. that it is impossible for me to make a difference in the world, and that i need to give it up. when it happens twice, you start to believe it yourself.

this is in no way an attempt to exploit or charge my last two relationships with my own biases. these two individuals were wonderful people, they just happened to have a different outlook on life than i do. however, after the ending of these relationships (almost back to back), i went into a stage of life that caused me to pray long and hard for every breathing male to flee far, far away from me. i wanted nothing more than to run away and become a nun isolated on some remote part of the world, only to associate with old, virgin women and small children. i found my new mindset only encouraged the persistency in other male's pursuing. it was uncomfortable for me to strain for conversation and put on my best facade on each and every encounter. balancing and keeping conversations was tedious and exhausting. the one's i did enjoy my time around, would only cause the ringing of the words in my ears of the same and saddening theory that my dreams were too big. so, i squashed them down. my thoughts and intents to make this world a better place i put in the deepest corner of my heart. promising myself not to tell another human being of those future plans and goals. i was sure i was broken, and that the world really didn't need me the way i thought i could be of assistance.

i am starting to move out of this mindset. like the mud frogs who have been asleep for large amounts of time finally bursting through the earth's surface at the first rainfall, i too am excited to burst out of my muddy prison i had kept myself in. this blog has helped a lot, it has let me write out my feelings. but so has the realization that there are other people out there that have dreams like i do. they have thoughts running through their minds at all times of the day and night and dreams bigger than their hearts. this new realization has led me to a happy-dance-in-the-fresh-rain-sort-of-hope.

my experiences with Kara, the girl i mentor who has autism.
the interactions i have with Jake.
the laughter that i was capable of bringing to the children at the "New Hope" orphanage.

these are the things that 'fill' me.
these are the things that make my life feel worth it.
the very things that pump life into my bones and spring into my step.
they allow me to spread my wings.
to feel like i can do anything in the world.
they help me realize i have a lot to learn in life, and the true meaning of happiness.
they change me into a more charitable person.

i don't have to share that dream with everyone. i just need to find one. my own 'starboy' like jerry spenelli would call it. i don't care to run away with my special someone to africa to save a village, (as cool as that would be). i just care to put a smile on the faces of those around me. to have someone support my dreams of my own local autistic summer camp, approve of my preference to volunteer on a friday night at a group home as our date night out instead of eating dinner at chili's again, and encourage me to do all that i can for those with disabilities.

here's to you, starboy.
thank you for waking up my dormant mud frog.

it's all worth it.

Today has been kind of a crazy hectic day.... ( i probably shouldn't be wasting time on a blog post, but you know i feel in the writers mood lately, so whatever )
I have two tests to take in the morning before i drive to Salt Lake and catch my plane to CHINA.
Today i've done nothing but study, and get stuff ready for china (which of course included a mandatory trip to the DI to pick out what i want to wear... 20 bucks worth of whole new wardrobe. couldn't be happier.)

Well, all in all, just think of your craziest hectic-est sort of a day, and then subtract ten--because my day probably wasn't THAT insane!

so long story short, mi'kel + busy day + what mi'kel calls 'stress' (which is 10% real and 90% psychological/self inflicted) = today.

well, that WAS today. it all changed when my friend in the ward Megan called and asked me to go to the temple with her at 7. i haven't been to the Logan temple yet, and i thought of my goals this year... 'attend the temple'... so i said i would love to.

we had her family's names and so we had to get two suits. gotta love the double suit action in the baptistry, i swear those suits hate me and my body, so two suits = ugggggh. BUT you get to actually see the results of your contribution. Today, i helped from start to finish 7 woman be baptized and receive the holy ghost. i love that about the double suits. you don't just get baptized for a woman and then wonder when she will finally get confirmed, cross your fingers for her benefit that it is soon... you start and finish see that she gets the whole package.

Well, now i am definitely rambling and haven't even got to the point of this post.

So, i walked into the small room to get confirmed. (in my second suit)
saw the three older gentleman sitting in their assigned stations and sat nervously in the center of them.
they said the usuals "hello, thank you for coming to the temple, it's good to see you"
and they were about to start with the first name, when the fellow to my right hesitated.
i felt his hands leave my head and i looked up.
he was looking intently on me.
i shared a nervous smile with him.
and he said, i want to tell you about my granddaughter.
(if there is one thing i love, it is stories, and especially stories told by great story tellers and other people's great grandfathers.)
so, i said 'okay' and continued looking up at him.
he told me how he has a nine year old granddaughter who is in primary children's medical center.
she had surgery a few days ago.
wondering where this was going, i asked, 'oh no...is she okay?'
he reassured me she is doing just fine and preceded to tell me that she is a concert pianist.
he said there were over 250 sponsors in a concert hall to help her family with the medical costs of her big surgery.
the main speaker of the night didn't show up.
so, his 9 year old daughter got up in front of the crowd and talked to the sponsors for TWENTY min.
she then went over to the piano and played one of her favorite songs.
after the program was over, Elder Dallin H. Oaks came up to the young girl and told her how wonderfully she had done, wished her luck with her surgery, and shook her hand.

the little girl went home to her mom that night and said:
'Mom, being sick has all been worth it, for the chance to meet an apostle tonight. I looked into his eyes and knew he knew Jesus.'

then the old man coughed a little, put his hands back on my head, and started my confirmations.
i'm not sure why he decided he needed to tell me that story, but i'm so glad he did.
it shed some perspective for me today.
all of the crazies and busies in life, are worth it.
because when this life is finished and you are returned to our heavenly father, looking into the eyes of our older brother and Savior. you will know that you know him and he knows you too, and in that moment it will all be worth it.

this is his story.

So remember my friend Jacob?
well, now he is my friend Jake.
And along with the shortened name, has came the most beautiful friendship.
i can safely say that he is my best friend.
the one i see the most. spend the most time with. laugh with and joke with. let's me be my complete self around.

well. today, after hearing my stomach growl far more than normal.
he insisted we go get me some lunch.
(i don't know if this was out of general concern for my well-being, or if it was because he didn't want to go to Stats and knew food was the one way to talk me out of it.)

As we walked to the TSC he told me his story.
why he's here at this point in life.
the story i am going to try to write.
(it's a really good story: a motivating, happy, sad, feel-good, relieve those dark and twisty's sort of story)
so, think of it as a story in progress. continued. more to come. stay tuned. you won't want to miss it.

so in the mean time of waiting.
let me just tell you a few of the things that make me grateful Jake is my best friend:

1. i thought i needed to walk slower so he could catch up with me in his motorized wheel chair. a few weeks ago he was late for the bus and had to hurry. he FLEW down to the bus stop. i couldn't help but laugh. all this time i thought i needed to walk slower for him, but all this time he had been scooting slower for me. Needless to say, we walk a lot faster now we know the other is capable of it. :)

2. he is getting REALLY excited for Zombie's for Human's this year on USU campus. (if you don't know what it is, google it.) today he told me he thinks he has a good chance of winning because "no one ever tries to shoot the kid in the wheel chair" ---said in a very light-hearted joking manner. he is so positive. i've never once heard him complain for being in a wheel chair.

3. i always have something sweet to be snacking on and sharing with him in stats class. he never ceases to make fun of me for it. but hey, statistical significance is always a little sweeter with a starburst.

4. we are planning a road trip to Provo at the end of this month. he volunteered us to help out at the Science fair at BYU. he inspires me everyday to be a little more selfless.

5. because of his cerebral palsy, at certain times little things are hard for him to do. small motor skills especially. i often have to hold onto his paper while he writes so it doesn't move. the little things of life i take for granted, grow each and everyday i am around him!

6. he is REALLY smart! we are usually in the stats lab with 5 or 6 people around us asking us questions on assignments. we look at each other, take a deep breath, and explain away. taking turns who answers which question. when it's over we look at each other and have to bust up laughing that people ask US for help.

7. the first time we did hw together. he looked me in the eyes, and made me promise him we would get A's in Psych Stats this year. I agreed, and we sealed the deal with a high five and a promise of ice cream. so far we have kept true to that promise. half way through and A's so far.

at lunch today.

i love this picture.

me=charleston chew

jake=bit-o-honey

story coming soon,
-it is written.

life is full

tuesday this last week i turned on my light in my room and... poof. 
my light bulb blew up.
i like to imagine that the little electricities were so excited to be turned on and over did it. 
{hence the 'poof'.}


so.
i fished an old lamp out of the closet, and used it as my only light source...

which was fun.

felt a little like i was camping.

and mom, don't worry. i cleaned my room since this pic was taken....

but.

i couldn't live in the dark forever and the next day, i went to walmart to get a light bulb.

sure enough i wore my favorite christmas present.

this fury beanie that makes me look like a bear. :)

excuse the tooth brush... 

while at walmart--there was this little munchkin in a cart.

he looked up at me, 

held up his hands in claw-like form,

bore his teeth,

and let out a little grrr...

this caught me off guard.

until i remembered my extra fur...

and did it right back::

oh the joys of children.

it reminded me of the need to be more like them.

it's not just about happiness and innocence, being more like children means to love deeper, open your eyes to the world of possibilities. it means to let your imagine run farther than you can keep up. to create new ways of thinking, step out of the norms and question why things are done a certain way. live in the present. don't worry about trivial things such as clothes, smooth talking, or being cool. being true to yourself, and forgiving easily. not stressing about the things out our control, and changing the things we can control. being honest, and seeing your parents as flawless individuals who are exactly what you want to be when you grow up.

i once read: 

"We could learn a lot from children. Sure, they have qualities we might not want, but in my eyes, they are already perfect. We don’t need to mold them into people, we need to be more like them.

We lose this childlike nature, the nature we’re born with, because of society — it has certain institutions and systems in place that beat childishness out of us, so we can be more productive citizens and consumers. I think it’s unfortunate.

We shouldn’t abandon all responsibilities, but we can learn a lot from children and be more like them in some ways."

I couldn't agree with this more.

take today for example.

my nephew, Brody is 6 and a half.

he strolled into the kitchen today,

grabbed a pudding cup out of the fridge.

told my sister to set the timer.

when she asked him 'why?'

he said: 'because i'm doing (in a deep voice) MAN VS FOOD!!!!!!!

he drained that pudding cup 34 seconds flat.

i don't know about you, but i need more of this in my life.

more pudding cups.

more laughter.

more living in the moment.

“Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” - Paula Poundstone

thanks to the little boy in the cart, 

and my world champ pudding eating nephew,

i decided to act on this new fire that has been lit inside me.

and i signed up to volunteer at the deaf preschool here in Logan!

Monday's and Wednesday's from 8-3:30 i will be surrounded by little minions of cochlear implanted children. 

full of curiosity and life and love.

i'll have my pencil and pen ready,

eager to learn all i can from my new 'schoolmates'.

well, that is enough for one post.

i'm off to see the Lorax. 

-life is full of wonder.