dormant.

Cyclorana Alboguttata is a species of burrowing mud frogs. This special type of frog goes through a torpor stage whenever resources are scarce. they burrow deep into the earth's surface and sleep in the mud for months or years without food or water. a few years ago a team of scientists at the university of Queensland did some research on these frogs and found that the metabolism of these frogs' cells change radically during their dormancy period allowing maximized use of limited energy resources without ever running on empty. (fascinating)

at odd times of my life i feel as though i have been one of these frogs. my heart lodges itself deeper and deeper into my chest to where i can barely feel it beat. It's in survival mode. it only beats to keep me alive. and even that it questions. my brain on the other hand works the opposite end of the spectrum. it runs around and around--too scared that if it stops at anytime it will shut down too. it runs to feel alive, to feel like it has a purpose. it's scared that it will end up just like the rest of me: useless and broken. the times i have painfully seen this the most apparent in my life is with dating. i bury myself deep within myself, not wanting to let the real me be shown during my own torpor stages.

the last two real relationships that i thought would never end, ended almost the same way. with another girl, and a simple excuse that i have dreams too big for my own good. that it is impossible for me to make a difference in the world, and that i need to give it up. when it happens twice, you start to believe it yourself.

this is in no way an attempt to exploit or charge my last two relationships with my own biases. these two individuals were wonderful people, they just happened to have a different outlook on life than i do. however, after the ending of these relationships (almost back to back), i went into a stage of life that caused me to pray long and hard for every breathing male to flee far, far away from me. i wanted nothing more than to run away and become a nun isolated on some remote part of the world, only to associate with old, virgin women and small children. i found my new mindset only encouraged the persistency in other male's pursuing. it was uncomfortable for me to strain for conversation and put on my best facade on each and every encounter. balancing and keeping conversations was tedious and exhausting. the one's i did enjoy my time around, would only cause the ringing of the words in my ears of the same and saddening theory that my dreams were too big. so, i squashed them down. my thoughts and intents to make this world a better place i put in the deepest corner of my heart. promising myself not to tell another human being of those future plans and goals. i was sure i was broken, and that the world really didn't need me the way i thought i could be of assistance.

i am starting to move out of this mindset. like the mud frogs who have been asleep for large amounts of time finally bursting through the earth's surface at the first rainfall, i too am excited to burst out of my muddy prison i had kept myself in. this blog has helped a lot, it has let me write out my feelings. but so has the realization that there are other people out there that have dreams like i do. they have thoughts running through their minds at all times of the day and night and dreams bigger than their hearts. this new realization has led me to a happy-dance-in-the-fresh-rain-sort-of-hope.

my experiences with Kara, the girl i mentor who has autism.
the interactions i have with Jake.
the laughter that i was capable of bringing to the children at the "New Hope" orphanage.

these are the things that 'fill' me.
these are the things that make my life feel worth it.
the very things that pump life into my bones and spring into my step.
they allow me to spread my wings.
to feel like i can do anything in the world.
they help me realize i have a lot to learn in life, and the true meaning of happiness.
they change me into a more charitable person.

i don't have to share that dream with everyone. i just need to find one. my own 'starboy' like jerry spenelli would call it. i don't care to run away with my special someone to africa to save a village, (as cool as that would be). i just care to put a smile on the faces of those around me. to have someone support my dreams of my own local autistic summer camp, approve of my preference to volunteer on a friday night at a group home as our date night out instead of eating dinner at chili's again, and encourage me to do all that i can for those with disabilities.

here's to you, starboy.
thank you for waking up my dormant mud frog.