disappearing act

I'm working in a special needs preschool up here in Logan. One of the little boys in my class has developed a bond with me more than any other child in the class. Even though I try not too, i'm pretty partial to him too. he has spinal bifida and can navigate his miniature wheel chair better than any 3 year old i've ever seen. he holds my hand and plays with me at recess. we go down slides together and he thinks it's the funniest thing in the world. i wish there was a word for his joy, or the joy he brings me. he is just wonderful. Monday comes around this week and i take him out of his wheel chair and set him on the carpet with his legs straight out for circle time. he slowly droops down to where his knees are touching his forehead. He sometimes sits like this when he is shy or doesn't want to participate but usually if someone sits behind him, he'll sit up to participate. (then look back at you every few seconds and smile). This particular day, I couldn't do anything to change his mind about laying his head down on his knees. i thought he was upset with me, and just decided to leave him alone. when circle time was over and i picked him up to put him in his wheel chair i noticed he was asleep. when i picked him up his little arms latched around my neck and he squoze me tight. I stood there for a second and just embraced the squeeze and held him tight and safe. I unhooked his octopus like tentacles around my neck as I put him back in the wheel chair. he was unhappy and made a face at me as i put him down and he closed his eyes again, although this time his wheel chair and the fancy buckles on it forced him to sit up. It made me laugh and i thought in my mind. he's probably thinking, maybe if i close my eyes, i can disappear right now. i helped him to the next rotation and laughed to myself as i thought about how much i am currently doing that in my life right now. closing my eyes and breathing in deep, and hoping i can just disappear to a time a few weeks later.

Reason #351 on why not to plan your wedding while preparing for finals in your first year of your grad program:

Always tired, and there's never enough time.

the little boy taught me a pretty valuable lesson the other day. even though you may not be able to disappear when you close your eyes, it's always worth the try.

magic.

my dad came into my room the other day and firmly shuffled each foot onto the floor with his hands up. he said "okay, ready to memorize your new quote?" then proceded to tell me this: "today is the tomorrow you were dreaming of yesterday." after that just about blew my mind, he ended it with this: "So, Mi'kel, never waste a day."




i went to havasupai with some friends last thursday.
one of my favorite things about that special place is the night's sky.
in fact, it may be my FAVORITE thing about it.
i have a certain picnic table that is my favorite. --->it's right in the open with no big trees surrounding it.
nights you could find me curled up on top of it and watching shooting stars dance across the sky. it's like nothing else to see the sky completely engulfed by a mouth of mountains on all sides. i laid on my back and counted the stars to keep the thoughts of the world from sinking into my brain. i kept my mind there and in that moment, not letting it escape to any other time or worry. (which is surprisingly hard to do at times) just let my body be, let it take part of something much larger than myself.

my sister brooke and her 5 kids are visiting til the end of the month and with bry and his 2 kids next door, we have had a full house of 7 little ones under 11 running around here. 

where waking up to 2 kids in your bed who got scared in the night, isn't unusual. 

though sometimes i complain... i whole heartedly love it.

so many little owl-eyed children open to curiosity and pointing out new things.

it has really made me think.

about what's really important in my life.

and about the direction that my life takes when i let things be.

when i become the curious child and find joy in the present, it's amazing how many new things unfold into my view.

don't forget.

regain that childlike awe-ness.

be open to new possibilities and be happy where you are at in life right now.

believe that if you climb the trees behind your house you can touch the sky. 

and drink the rain just so you can see what the sky tastes like.

never waste a day.

believe in everything.

it's all magic.

earth child.

Fernweh: n. A strong desire for or impulse to wander. "far sickness". an ache for the distance. 

as of late i have had a bad case of fernweh. except the 'far' place i am searching for is not merely in the miles of travel, (although, that is also true) but more so it is a deep yearning and burning to explore the unknown around me. 

never in my life has this quote rang more true::

i have just had a yearning to explore and see things in unique ways.

to lay in the sunny sun of stG and think and imagine.

and that includes bringing along any one who will go with me.

i was babysitting my niece and nephew last thursday, and may or may not have taken them on a walk to the virgin river and let them take their shoes off, and squish their toes in the water.

it was more for me than it was for them, but they whole heartedly LOVED it.

we dug for worms and had stick races.

it gave me my fill of exploration for the day.

one of my favorite parts of any book i have ever read goes like this: 

"It's really hard to do nothing totally. Even just sitting here, like this, our bodies are churning, our minds are chattering. There's a whole commotion going on inside us.

"That's bad?" I said. 

It's bad if we want to know what's going on outside ourselves.

....

"So how do i do nothing?"

I'm not sure, there's no one answer to that. You have to find your own way. Sometimes I try to erase myself. I imagine a big pink soft soap eraser, and it's going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and there they go-poof!-my toes are gone. And then my feet. And then my ankles. But that's the easy part. The hard part is erasing my senses-my eyes, my ears, my nose, my tongue. And last to go is my brain. My thoughts, memories, all the voices inside my head. That's the hardest, erasing my thoughts. I'm erased. I'm gone. I'm nothing. And then the world is free to flow into me like water into an empty bowl."

.....

"Every question, every stray thought from miles around came wandering into my brain, sniffing about, scratching at my attention."

 Stargirl By Jerry Spinelli 

and speaking of stargirl::

i have found a niche in astronomy as of late as well.

one of my best friends came up to visit me in Logan a few months ago and he brought me this:

it's a star globe night light.

and it pretty much rocks my whole universe.

it shines constellations on my walls like this::

probably one of the sweetest presents i have ever been given. ever.

so you can imagine my excitement when i found out that Kanarraville, UT was named the "sweet spot" for watching the eclipse last night by NASA.

i wanted to make the drive, however, my family wasn't as determined.

so we found our own "sweet spot" down the road.

we were driving to the old airport hill and found these guys on the side of the road:

my dad, being the awesome man he is, pulled over, and we joined 'em.

don't let this picture fool you, they were very nice people.

and if you could get past the smoke, swearing, and tattoos... they were just the astronomy companions anyone could ask for.

i only got the man's name... Mr. Greensly.

a special ed teacher living in Las Vegas.

they made the special drive out just for the 4 min eclipse.

so it looked a little something like this:

and when you looked through that tele it looked like this::

it was hands down one of the top 10 things i have ever done in my life.

i'm sure glad we were able to mooch off these people's tele and watch the eclipse.

and to repay them, and to kill the 1 hour wait time before the eclipse, my dad ran to 

get some lemonade to toast to our new friendship:

 

(oh and yes, i was a little obsessed with my mom's ol fish eye camera lens, and i used it all day...)

waiting for the total eclipse... 'of my heart'.

all in all, it was a great day.

and to sum up my wanderlust post...

 the bottom line is i just want this to be my future.

{photo credit: tiffani hafen.}

my dad laughing at my excitement last night over the eclipse and the energy i put forth by forcing my family to go see it put it this way.

Mi'kel is my earth child.

what a wonderful compliment. :)

i'm off to go fancy my fernweh.

have a good day!

-earth child.

happy belated mothers day, mother earth.

i love being outside.
i long for it.
today, i woke up before the sun and hiked my favorite trail to capture the earths beauty as the sunlight first falls upon it.

the world is truly a beautiful place.

and my little part of it is incredible.

happy mothers day, mother earth.

thank you for being you.

you teach me everyday that it is important to be who we are.

there is a unique beauty in each of us.

i borrowed my mom's super nice camera last night.
she packed it all up for me neatly to take first thing this morning.
i think she purposely gave me a small camera card because she knew i would be out there all day if i didn't run out of camera card space.
she knows me too well.
i ran out of space an hour and a half into my morning and grudgingly headed back towards the car.
it was not until i walked into our front door that i noticed how hungry i was, grateful my mom knew this too and it was the second reason she didn't pack me a bigger card.

needless to say, i'm grateful for mothers.


don't forget to thank your mothers for all they do, and especially don't forget to thank mother earth.
she does a lot for you too.
cheers to mothers.

brand new eyes.

yesterday in preschool a little boy shared with the class that he 'caught a mashed potato and named him lightning', i love my life and the variety that each day brings. and seriously, who doesn't love potato bugs?

today, i went to the zoo here in Logan. It's free and awesome and i'm in love with it.(did you know that you can 'adopt' a zoo animal that lives in the zoo off the money with your donation? your name goes on a piece of paper by a cage and EVERYTHING!) today it was perfectly hot and super happy snappy. Want to know what made it all the better? i got to explore with my friend Kara. Kara is 18 and has autism and a whole different perspective than you and i. I LOVE IT. it's fresh, real, genuine, and very comical. today we played hide and go seek/tag in the zoo for a few hours while her parents went to the temple.

She looked at me and said, 'i like you, mi'kel.' she then grabbed my hand and we were off and running like we were five and the world was all ours to explore. this was a unique zoo, it is small and mostly has animals native to northern utah... bobcats, coyotes, elk, emu's, peacocks, etc. but it did have two monkeys and a tortoise so that was pretty exotic.

Today i found the good news in fresh perspective. The kind that makes you think twice before ever going back to thinking in your usual patterns of thought. Kara teaches me everyday how to be more patient and learn to love life in unique ways. i'm grateful for her easy love and her eagerness for me to be apart of her life.

--when was the last time you told someone you like that you liked them. beauty is in the unnoticed. let fresh perspectives seep into your thoughts, a new way of thinking=a new way of life. oh. and don't forget to adopt animals in the zoo, they need love too.---

-it is written.
spread the good news.

you'll never guess where i found it today.

i'm sure today won't be the only post about them, but it is definitely too good not to pass up.
when i walked into the building today i saw little people's fingers point up at me as they whispered to their friends. it wasn't the kind of pointing and whispering that makes one nervous. but rather makes one happy to be alive. why is that exactly? because remember i work in a deaf preschool, their whisperings are PRETTY loud comparatively, and i heard every one. they were saying things along the lines of look who is here to play today, that one girl with the blue watch (what i'm known for around here), miss kel. it feels good to have little minions. there is no greater satisfaction in life than to have others want to play with you--especially children. i think it is the highest form of a compliment.

the good news in life today was in these whisperings.

--whenever you have something nice to say about someone, whisper it loud--

-it is written.

spreading the good news.

Finding the good news in others and publishing it to my blog, is how i want to blog for a little while. finding the good qualities in different people and writing their stories, or little reminders for me to see what kind of qualities i want to work on in life.

i think it is only fitting to start out with my own father.
my dad has shown me many of his good news moments in life.
there have been many opportunities for me to observe his goodness and greatness; his love; a small glimpse at his full potential.

so, for the sake of time and my poor fingers from having to type all this out... i will only write about one.


the most recent one. 

my dad, has always been inspiring to me. my first ever journal entry was about the day my dad took me to the home run derby in Las Vegas to see Sammi Sosa and Jose Canseco when i was 9 on Feb 13, 2000. (keep in mind i got the journal on my baptism day, and not a single word was scribbled on there about that life changing event or any other event during my 8 year old life) my next post after the home run derby wasn't written until June 2004, when my little sister found out my dad had cancer. and since that time there have been 8 or 9 finished journals. i think that says a lot about how important my dad was to me, even at such a young age.

i have thought a lot about why my dad is so intriguing to me. and one simple reason that keeps coming to mind is that he has the perfect way of speaking. Kind of an interesting quality to attribute it to, but it is one of his qualities that i have always admired. from his bed time stories when i was young, to his late night chats in my bed during my emotional teenage high school years. his phone calls to remind me to keep my smile, to his commanding voice over the pulpit at church. whatever the occasion, his voice has always been soothing to me. but, not just the sound of his voice soothes me, it is also the words he strings together to make all my worries disappear. he has always treated me as an equal with his words, talks to me about his thoughts and ponderings to evoke thoughts in my brain and honestly want to hear my opinions. but he does it with such love i still feel like his little girl. i love the fact that he still calls me kid, but makes me feel like i can rule the world if i put my mind to it. the two ends meet together to form a perfect relationship in my mind.

I went home for Easter last week and as soon as i arrived into town, i met my dad at an Autistic learning center that he had found earlier that week. he stalled the owner of the center for an hour for me to arrive! when i walked in the doors the owner gave me a tour (the place was AMAZING!) and told me if i was interested in working there this summer to let her know. That she would love to hire me on. I was very confused, at why she was so eager and willing to let me just join the center that easily. She hardly knew me at all, and i looked worse than dog poop from driving all day. She then made the comment "Your dad really cares for you a lot, doesn't he?" I thought there must have been a lot of talk about me during the stalling and that is what she was insinuating, a smile spread across my lips and I told her, "Yeah, my dad is a really great guy. He loves me a lot."I didn't think much of it and we left a little after that.

I rode with my dad home, and the easy conversation flooded the car like it usually does when the two of us get together and leaked out of the open sun roof.

This was a Friday, and by Sunday morning I was in my dad's office searching for some paper. That is when i stumbled onto a printed out email on his desk. The email was a conversation between my dad and the lady i had met that Friday at the Autistic Center. I looked at the date, and it was a conversation that they had a week before i even arrived in town. the email started with my dad's writing: "to whom it may concern" and i don't remember all that it said but had a lot of talk about me, my qualities, my unique abilities, and my love and passion for those with disabilities. The second half of the conversation was her, saying that she would love to hire on someone like me, to maybe advance her work up north after I receive a Master's degree and expressed a eagerness to meet me.

I felt like a snoop, but i couldn't stop reading, my eyes were glued to the paper. i was in awe. that is when i thought back on what the lady was talking about when she mentioned that my dad cared a lot about me in our meeting just two days prior. she was definitely referring back to this email.

i quickly put the email back on my dad's desk hoping no one saw me read it and was about to grab a piece of paper and run, when another interesting document caught my eye. this time because it was on regular lined paper, and had my hand writing on it. I more fully inspected the paper and couldn't believe my eyes. The paper was dated November 2009. It was a letter i had wrote my dad, just because. I was in shock that he still had the paper and it sparked my curiosity, so i read it. I can't remember writing that specific letter to my dad, but when i read it i was amazed. I had written my dad all my dreams and goals of life. i wrote to him all about my deepest desires out of life and what i aspire to become. i wrote about my relationship with my Savior and how I felt so strongly that this is what he wants me to do with my life. I ended it with a quote from a book me and my dad read together that year titled 'write it down, make it happen' and i said that my intentions for writing him that day was to have him hold me to my goals in life. i was following the directions of that book and trying to make those dreams come true by writing down specific goals and life qualities. i was amazed at how many of those goals had already come true, even more amazed at how even though my dreams have changed in the last 2.5 years, they were still similar and i was proud of my college freshman self.

tears got stuck in my eye. i couldn't help but make the connection between the two documents. i could not believe that my dad would go to such great lengths to help me achieve my dreams. to take what i had scribbled on that piece of paper 2 years prior to heart and be true to what i asked of him, to hold me to those goals. but then i remembered this was my dad i was speaking about and knew of course he would go through such great lengths. that's what i love about him most. he would go to the end of the world to help any body achieve a dream that they desire. and he'll be your number one fan all along the way of you achieving it. that is a piece of his good news that i hope to adapt to my life and make it a part of my good news.

---Encourage others to live their dreams, and be a #1 fan to all in their journey to their full potential.---

spread the good news.
-it is written.